Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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