the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
