I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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