tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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