you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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