glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
