Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
