Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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