Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
