Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
