I hate your face
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
