Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
