Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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