woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
