Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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