If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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