She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
