I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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