Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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