If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
