If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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