I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
