I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I think my fart just growled at me.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
