Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
