Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Is it because I queefed?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
We smell like vodka and hangover
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