I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize