Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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