Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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