3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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