don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
