I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
