and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
