Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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