hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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