I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
