I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
either way he was missing a nipple.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
