I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
