i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
