Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
