I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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