I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
