I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
