he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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