i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm too high and old for this...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
FUCK WHALES
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
