Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize