What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
