i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
