Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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