I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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