You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
