my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
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