just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
