He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
