conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
