I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
