M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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