So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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