I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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