Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
