that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
