Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
