Tell her she can't have a vagina
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
