At least make sure they are 18
Why
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
