if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
