So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
