I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize