I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
