nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
tell me about the eggs
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
