I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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