Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You smell like stripper and shame
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
