you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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