Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
