party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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