i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize