saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
